Hunting vs. Shopping…. Are You Sure It's Not The Same Thing?
by Sherry Krial

Ok, so I know some of you are seeing this and going, what is she writing about now? PPsssth! I say I'm comparing hunting to shopping, you're thinking that's it… she's friggin' nutz! Off her rocker, the cabin fever's set in; the cold has turned her into a nutball! But hear me out…

The other night, Ben and I were chatin', I had spent a chunk of my day shopping online for something or another and when I go shopping, I go shopping. First, I decide what I need to buy and then I find out who makes whatever it is I need, you know, do the research as to the best dooflinker to purchase, then I go find the best bang for the buck, and buy it. Or, you might say… Plan a hunting trip and what you're hunting for (in season, of course), find out where your target is located, research the best target to acquire, make your best shot, and you got it.

See? Hunting and shopping - they have a whole lot more in common then you would ever imagine!! Wait, there's more…

Guys have their hunting clothes, we have easy on/off shopping clothes and walking shoes, oh, and the GOOD socks. Men have their gear for acquiring their game - guns, knives, bullets, and "the stand." We have gear too. Our guns are special sale days and coupons for shooting down prices because full price is always too much! Our knife is that big nasty attitude we strap on to cut through those Saturday afternoon at the mall crowds and scare down that brunette across the sale rack that thought she had her hand on that shirt first. Our bullets are our beloved credit cards that shoot straight right through the heart of that credit card machine and usually pay for everything, which, naturally, achieves the goal of the day - acquiring a new kill (Bill? Well, at least they rhyme.) And, of course, "the stand." The Stand - where you take survey of everything going on around you, lay out the plan of attack, the course of action best suited for all of the present surrounding conditions, see a vision of the day's balance having a pleasurable conclusion, find your motivation to achieve your goals. Well, for us ladies, that's the one place in the mall where you get out the list and lay out the course of action for the mission. Check out the lay of the land, study obstacles - old ladies w/ wheelchairs that aren't very good drivers (go figure - an old chick that can't drive!) new baby moms that have to stop every 5 seconds to make sure baby is doing ok at the store, creepy looking guys hanging around the ladies departments, (yes, we actually do see you and know what you're doing there, duh!) you know, obstacles, see yourself at the end of the day with that specific perfect item in your hand and you paid less than you expected, make sure the Keds are tied and you're off to achieve that unbelievably fantastic Valentine's Night outfit!!! Oh, sorry, I digress, different story.

Hey, side note: See, you guys hate the mall on a Saturday and we girls know this because you tell us this but you think us girls go there because we actually like it (of course, the spending of money can make any afternoon of extreme aggressive power walking somewhat worthwhile, especially if it's someone's else's money, hint, hint.) - but, what, we're glutton's for punishment? Don't answer that out loud. I seriously don't think anybody - male or female - like's the mall on a weekend. It's just that sometimes you gotta bite the big one and do it. (Kid's party on a Sunday - gotta get stuff, Valentine's Day/Night out, I look fat in everything I've got… you know.) I like a nice, quiet mid-week empty type shopping experience, especially if you're bringing a child or two! I hate any store, mall, whatever on a Saturday, I hate the traffic just getting to the dadgum store - but if I gotta do it, I gotta do it and I just strap on the tude and go kick some butt, take some names. It has something to do with why chicks can deal with shopping crowds, school functions, and hospitals - you guys… well, you know. I'm not getting that complicated today. I'll save that for later.)

So, back to the hunting vs. shopping thing… Oh, yeah, the biggy - You're On A Mission! The big guys weekend away hunting trip! (Insert Tim Taylor ARRRhhhh, arrrrrhhh, aaaarrrrrrh!) Well, guess what?! We do that too! Can you believe how the similarities are just stacking up???!!! Go figure!

The big get-away weekend… I love girls weekend away! My friends and I have an unbelievable great time! But man, do we get major food hangovers! And, because I work in the bar on the weekends, I see what goes on, so I've a got a little bit of observation to work with here… And, with hot wings, a man's got to know his limits. Well, women, too. I know, you guys are great - of course you know dear, I'm going to miss you and the kids, but you're really thinking: "Wooo-hoooo!!!! I can't wait to be away from you all for an entire weekend!!! Yea, me!!" You're going away, you're all worked up all week about going away. You're going to get some space, a little peace of mind. Have some time with the boys, the buds. And, you'll all be doing the thing you love - hunting. I'm going hunting. Walking around the woods with my gun and my friends, it gives me peace, it's a good time… (Walking around the mall with the girls making fun of people is so entertaining). You need a break, go to the bar for lunch - chili and hot wings. (Time to go to lunch, stop in Applebee's for a coffee and cheesecake! Ahhh, sugar and caffeine motivation, I'm lovin' it!)

Back to the woods, you find and hunt your target and achieve a flawless kill and a feeling of success, empowerment… (Searching the store for the perfect item at the perfect price, and better yet, got it with a ridiculously low, obviously wrong price tag on it and got away with the absolute best most awesome deal and it looks great on, too). Time for more food! Yes, off to the bars! Yea, we are the mighty sharks, ar-ar-ar. And you go out to the local bar, eat all the stuff you'd never eat at home, more chili and hot wings, drink too much (only sometimes), and have a great time doing it. Ar-ar-ar, talking guy stuff, telling fish stories (deer stories, whatever), ar-ar-ar hunting stuff. And you laugh, and party, and it's really good. (We shop till we drop, which always includes a grocery store for everything we don't (ok, maybe we do) eat in quantities at home. Chocolate, cake, cookies, chips, snacky, gooey, candy, dippy, low fat crackers, and vodka. Then, we go back to the place we're staying and just blast out - chix flix with tissues, drinks with umbrellas, chow-fest on the food, talkin' trash, ar-ar-ar, laugh, party, and it's really good, too.)

So, what do you think? See? I wasn't crazy. There really are some serious similarities between hunting and shopping. Yeah, yeah, I can hear Ben now… Whatever you say honey.